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We don’t share and talk about ourselves a lot. We used to, back in the day. Back when livejournal was a thing and we could control who could hear us. But now if we talk about ourselves here, on tumblr, its open for anyone. Mutuals, followers we don’t know from Adam, people we know IRL, blogging enemies, random trolls.
I feel… spiritually and emotionally backed up.I’m a private person by nurture. I’m not someone who can let people close to me know when I’m feeling less than my best. I can’t become vulnerable because I have to be the one to hold everything together.
I feel heavy. I feel tired. I feel like things are coming apart at the seams. I feel like I don’t have any agency. All I do all day is worry about other people’s problems and sit terrified wondering when when I’m going to let the smallest thing slip between the cracks and fuck everything up for everyone.
I could go on and on….
I feel small, and immature and vulnerable even for posting this much. For needing some kind of outside attention or affirmation to my thoughts. But I just can’t keep cramming everything down inside, knotting and balling it up and smiling and hoping for the best.
Does anybody who follows me use dreamwidth? or any kind of blogging service that has some kind of filter for who sees your content? Does that sort of thing still exist?
-f
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