Boisterous Blue Raspberry Diabetic Coma: A drink review.
So today, I decided, in my endless hubris, to buy a drink. But brother, this was no ordinary drink. This was a slushie. A slushie from Sonic. Now don’t get me wrong. Sonic isn’t that bad. It’s pretty tasty, I like their milkshakes and hot dogs and such. So I thought I would love their slushies. I LOVE SLUSHIES, my terrible inner child shouted, waving her arms around. Generally we agree, but i should have seen the hellish scribbles on the wall when the waitress asked if I wanted ground up candy injected into my drink. Baffled, I asked what kinds. Pleased with herself, she retorted jolly ranchers, pop rocks, ect. A fucking dipshit, I answer yeah sure jolly ranchers sound good. The woman, who I now know must have some kind of hellish resistance on par with the creatures that live near geothermal vents, says she drinks these all the time. That she adds tons of jolly ranchers to them. it’s amazing, she says. I get excited. This must be a primo fucking slushie. I eagerly await this blessing to my tastebuds. it arrives, the sparkling azure of a particularly overzealous spring sky. In my tragic naivete I took a deep sip, imminently regretting every life choice I made up to that point. It wasn’t just sweet. This drink kicked my teeth in like the kool-aid man decided to take up criminal assault and battery. The first sip was enough to spike my damned heartrate and send my pancreas into shock. And then a chunk of Jolly rancher shot down my throat.
It hurt, i think it cut my throat on the way down and filled the wound with dissolving sugar. It was a hell on par with that of jamming salt in an open wound. Only with more vibrating my own skin off.
Because yeah, as it turns out, if I intake that much sugar, not only does my pancreas threaten to implode,but my energy levels shoot through the roof. I’m like a anxiety powered nightmare, my body jjittering with each movement, as if i’m desperately trying to remove myself from the material plane,
So what I’m saying is…..this drink is a fucking deathtrap.
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