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One of the things about growing up in an abusive home is that it’s so obvious that you don’t really belong, that you’re an outsider. Nothing you do is right or enough and you get blamed for everything. Thanks to this, I’m always looking for a place to belong and feel safe and actually welcome to exist.
Sometimes I find something like it but it never lasts. I don’t even know if some of it was real or I just wanted to feel that way for once. I do know I’ve stayed in unhealthy and abusive situations for years just because I occasionally felt that.
It’s hard not having a place to go. To always feel like an intruder.
It’s also hard to make friends or have any type of support or social network because you always feel like a burden and that you’re one slight misstep away from pissing everyone off. And that can come off in how you act around others, which can also make it all the harder to make friends.
Maybe one day I’ll find a place where I belong, but it’s a struggle and sometimes I wonder if such a thing exists or if I’ll even make it.
Don’t abuse your kids. Just because it’s “not physical” doesn’t mean it doesn’t scar them for life. It lasts and gnaws to the bone.
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